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Here are some jokes for you.

Some of these jokes are a bit weird so if you find something which offends you then I appologise !


A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story : Women are clever bitches - Don't mess with them.


A man walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The bar man gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts, to his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic and that aftershave is just wonderfull!".

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it, realising he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine, after inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You W*NKER......Oh my god you STINK..........Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your' mother."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed, he turns to the barman for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."


A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for You?" the man answered, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, come to the doctor's office, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally, one day, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32, and I get $28 back from Medicare."


A man could not stop his dog barking, so he took it along to the vet. The vet gave the dog a gentle kick up the backside - and it shut up. Two days later the dog started barking again. He took it back to the vet who dealt out the same treatment and it shut up. After a few days it started barking again.

The man thought, "I'm not paying the vet another $10 just to have him kick my dog to make it stop barking.” So he tried kicking the dog himself, but it only made the dog bark more than ever. So he gave up and took it back to the vet who kicked the dog and it shut up.

"How come my dog shuts up when you kick it but not when I kick it?" Asked the man. The vet replied by taking off his shoe and showing it to him, the label inside read: "Hush Puppies".


A man hung a warning sign on the gate which read: –Beware of the Budgie” –But budgies arenęt dangerous,” pointed out a passer-by. –Not usually,” the man admitted. –But this one whistles for the dog.”.


A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "This bird used to live in a Whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff. "The woman thought about this, but decided it was such a bargain she would buy the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something, The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Ray, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Ray!".


A new Bank has recently announced the arrival of the new 'Drive-Through' ATM machines, users will be able to withdraw cash without having to leave their vehicle. To enable users to utilize this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. Male or Female) and remember them for when you first use the machines.

Male Procedure:

  • Drive up to cash machine
  • Wind down window Insert card and enter PIN
  • Enter amount of cash to withdraw
  • Retrieve card, cash and receipt
  • Wind up window
  • Drive off
  • Female Procedure:

  • Drive up to cash machine
  • Reverse back 1 metre to align window to machine
  • Stall engine
  • Wind down window
  • Enter handbag and remove make-up bag and locate card
  • Check make-up in rear view mirror
  • Attempt to insert card into machine
  • Open door to allow easier access to machine, due to distance from car to machine
  • Insert card
  • Re-enter handbag to find cigarette packet with PIN number written on inside
  • Insert PIN, press cancel and re-enter PIN
  • Enter amount of cash to withdraw
  • Check make-up and hair in rear view mirror
  • Retrieve cash and receipt
  • Locate purse and place cash inside
  • Locate cheque book to file receipt
  • Check make-up again
  • Drive forward for 2 metres Reverse back to cash machine
  • Retrieve card
  • Locate card holder in purse and enter card into slot
  • Recheck make-up
  • Restart engine and pull off
  • Drive for 3 miles Release hand-brake

  • Big Game

    Hacking his way through the dense African jungle, an explorer comes across a clearing where he is confronted by a pygmy standing next to a huge, stone-dead elephant. "Strewth! What happened to Jumbo?" he asks. "I killed it," says the little man. "I can't believe it," says the explorer. "Thats the biggest elephant I've ever seen! What did you kill it with?" "A club," the pygmy replies. "It must have been a bloody big club," sniffs the explorer. "It was," smiles the wee fella. "There must have been 300 of us.".


    Big Game Hunter

    The Big Game Hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel. Also if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

    They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced. "Springbok". Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared. "And shot with a .308" riffle". The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before.

    When someone started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

    So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said. "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole, said "and the rifle was a .416" and he was right again.

    This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.

    Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep.

    The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife. –Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?".

    His wife replied angrily. "From me, of course.", "But what did I do?” he asked. She replied "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone: "Skunk, killed with an axe".


    Tarzan

    Tarzan had been living alone In his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

    Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

    Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak, she watched in awe for a while.

    Finally, overcome with this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

    As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

    In pain she screamed, " What the hell did you do that for? ", Tarzan replied, " Always check for squirrels"


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