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Here are some jokes for you.

Some of these jokes are a bit weird so if you find something which offends you then I appologise !


The true high point of the e-mail year has arrived.

Yes, it is the 1999 Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards.

These awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:

#1 - LOS ANGELES. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker, which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed.

The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriousl lacerating Ani.

Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.

While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees.

Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.

#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards.

According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.

For those of you from Rio Linda, a revolver has a cylinder with 5 to 9 holes for cartridges.

You load ONE, and spin the cylinder, hence the "roulette"reference. With a semi auto, every trigger pull is "a winner."

#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29-year-old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment.

"I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding, "He was really drunk."

#5 - MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack.

It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting in to the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)

AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....

THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure.

He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.

Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish.

He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.

Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens.

For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns,who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise.

Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.


THIS IS THE MATH OF LIFE

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = affair

Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee =production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


A man will pay $1 for a $2 item he needs

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife


A successful man is one who makes more than his wife can spend

A successful woman is one who can find such a man


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all


Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die


Any married man should forget his mistakes, there๊s no use in two people remembering the same thing


Men wake up as good looking as when they went to bed

Women somehow deteriorate during the night


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument


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