Welcome

Here are some jokes for you.

Some of these jokes are a bit weird so if you find something which offends you then I appologise !


Too Old To Squat

One morning this guy looks into the mirror and admires his body and noticed he was suntanned all over except his penis, which he decided needed a suntan too.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out.

Two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with her cane, and remarked to the other old lady, "There is no justice in the world."

The other old lady says, "What do you mean by that?"

The first old lady said "Look at that..

When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot all about it.

And now that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to Squat!!!!”


Baywatch

One old lady turnês to the other and asks, –Do you still get horny?”

The other replies, –Oh sure I do.”

The first old lady asks, –What do you do about it?”

The second old lady replies, –I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, ”Who drives you to the beach?”


Warning

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering, WHEN YOU ARE NOT!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Latest Health Department Warning ==============

Yesterday, scientists for the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100 per cent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologise when wrong.

No further testing is planned.


Women's T-shirt Sayings

Don't tick me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But like . . . who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

And your point is...

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name. You'll be screaming it later.

Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk AND tick you off at the same time

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.


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