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Here are some jokes for you.

Some of these jokes are a bit weird so if you find something which offends you then I appologise !


Women's Snappy Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"

Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"

Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"

Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"

Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."

Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."

Woman: "Oh-h-h-h. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy"

Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cute stuff, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"

Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."

Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?".


One young woman to another: –My life is like simple mathematics. Iêm trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.


After the annual office party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management, and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."

"He's an ass-hole. I should have pissed on him."

"You did, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."


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