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Here are some jokes for you.

Some of these jokes are a bit weird so if you find something which offends you then I appologise !


How to impress a woman

Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man

Show up naked. Bring beer.


The Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary

"Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass."

"I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor."

"I need you" == "My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys" == "I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment." == "I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about" == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better." == "So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it." == "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute." == "I want to have sex with her till I am blue."

"I don't know if I like her" == "She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much" == "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."

"Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" == "Is my penis really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?" == "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way around to tell you."

"I have something to tell you." == "Get tested."

"I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends." == "You're ugly."

"I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!"


Lotto

A man runs home one evening and bursts into the house yelling, "Pack your bags sweetheart I've just won the lottery, all six numbers.

Can you believe it!?" She says, "Oh brilliant! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care . . . just fuck off!"


In Italy, an elderly man went to a priest and confessed.

–Forgive me, Father,” he sobbed. –During the war, I hid a refugee in my attic.”

–Well, – the priest replied, –thats not a sin.”

–But,” the man admitted, ”I made him pay rent.”

–That wasnęt so nice,” the priest said, ”but you were putting yourself at risk.”

–Oh thank you Father,” the man said. –But I have one more question.”

–What is it?” asked the priest.

–Do you think I should tell him that the war is over?”


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