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Here are some jokes for you.

Some of these jokes are a bit weird so if you find something which offends you then I appologise !


Little Johnny

One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, At Christmas you send a letter to Santa to ask for what you want, don't you?"

"Yes," replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas."

His mother said, "Yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and ask him."

Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter:

Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy and I would like a new bike. Your Friend, Johnny.

He thought about this and decided to start a new letter.

Dear Jesus, Sometimes I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike.

He thought about this and decided to write another letter.

Dear Jesus, I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike.

He thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one either.

He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard, he picked up the statue and hurried home.

He put the statue under the bed and started his new letter.

Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike! Your Friend, Johnny


One day, a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall.

While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up, to look over, and there was little Johnny, sitting on the toilet playing with himself.

The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.

Little Johnny agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest.

About a week later, the priest ran into Johnny at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.

Jimmy replied, "Great father! I've saved a whole quart!"


A teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.. "Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher..

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious,"

And the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sitting around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that "cunt ages" to finish that fence."


A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered.

The salesman asked if his father was at home.

Little Johnny: "Yes."

The salesman: "Well, can I see him please?"

Little Johnny: "No, he is in the shower."

The Salesman asked if his mother was at home.

Little Johnny: "Yes."

The Salesman: "Well can I see her?"

Little Johnny: "No, she's in the shower too.."

The Salesman: "Do you think they will be out soon?"

Little Johnny: "No."

The salesman asked why.

Little Johnny: "Well, when my dad asked me for the Vaseline I gave him some super glue instead."


One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night.So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher.

In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of Johnny standing right over her. He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep.

She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay.

Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button...and she said "NO".. "But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."

So the teacher says "okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do." and a few minutes later the teacher says "OH...that's not my bellybutton."

And Johhny says, "that's not my finger."


Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?

"Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"

Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank."


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