Here are some jokes for you.
Some of these jokes are a bit weird so if you find something which offends you then I appologise !
Why It's GREAT To Be A Guy...
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's toilet is just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, all the time.
What a Woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don't do laundry right now,
you'll have no clothes to wear."
What a Man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
There was a New Zealander, an Australian and a West Indian in the waiting room of a maternity ward.
Each mans wife was giving birth.
Eventually a nurse entered the waiting room and said to all three men. "Congratulations you all have healthy baby boys,both mother and child are O.K . However I'm afraid we've had a bit of a mix up and we're not sure which baby is which.If you could follow me to where the babies are being incubated, you can please identify your own babies."
So the three men followed the nurse and entered the ward. After a couple of seconds the Kiwi came to the nurse carrying a baby.
This is definitely my baby" he said
The nurse looked at the baby, then up at the Kiwi with a puzzled look.
But surely this baby is West Indian" said the nurse.
"Yes" agreed the Kiwi "But one of those two babies in there is an Australian and I just can't take that risk!"
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he left the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, . . . our son in-law!"
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