Here are some jokes for you.

Some of these jokes are a bit weird so if you find something which offends you then I appologise !


A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterwards the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?" "Nine..."

After having a triple bypass, an elderly man told his doctor that his wife was now afraid of making love in case it ended in his death.

The doctor assured the patient that sex couldn?t possibly hurt him. Delighted, the man asked the doctor to put this in writing. The doctor scribbled furiously for a few moments, then read to the man: ?Dear Mrs. Smith, your husband is in such remarkable physical condition that I would not be surprised if he couldn?t make love two or three times in a single night.

Delighted, the patient requested a slight ammendment, saying, ?Could you take out Mrs. Smith and make it ?to whom it may concern???

During the final surgery examination, the professor asked the student: ?Why do surgeons wear masks during operations??

The student replies ?So that if anything goes wrong, no-one can recognise them.

Emotional Heights

Height of patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.

Height of frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls

Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples

Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute

Height of laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest

Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall

Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw

Height of Technology: Condom with a zip

Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching

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